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Dear Diary,
I was beaten badly today. They caught me stealing meat from one of the soldier's rations, and my secret was almost disclosed, but they let me off with twelve lashes. I'm afraid I won't eat today. It won't be the first.
I took Aaron aside today, during labor hours, and told him the news. The look in his face I don't believe I've ever seen. It was like disbelief and a hollow sense of what he had just heard. It was empty, tired, dead. The usual luster in his eyes had dulled to a faint mist as he looked at me.
I said, "I'm sorry. It's not your fault."
He took my shoulders sharply, a tear sliding from his eye.
"Do you know what they're going to do to you if they find out?"
I was silent, stared at his chest to keep from crying.
"They'll kill you! They don't care!"
I looked at him, began to cry, spoke as my throat tightened painfully.
"Don't you think I know that by now? I know. I need to do it myself."
He drew me close suddenly, holding me tightly to his chest. My tears seeped into his tattered striped shirt.

 

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"Don't say that. You're not going to take your own life. You hear me? Never. I won't let you die."
I just stood there, crying into his chest. He kissed my forehead and spoke tenderly.
"I'm not angry at you. If circumstances were different, I'd be overjoyed! I love you and I want to live through this so we can get out of here and start a family somewhere…"
"No." I had to tear him from his fantasy. Such things are unhealthy that cannot be. They only bring disappointment.
"You know that's nothing but a dream, Aaron. We're not leaving here. I'm going to die here."
"Erika…"
"You know I'm right."
He hushed me, tears streaming down his cheeks, holding me close again.
He knows I'm right. I wish I could believe him, but unfortunately, I'm right.

I wish I were never right again.